Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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