I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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