The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
