my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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