Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
