don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
