Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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