A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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