I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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