I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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