if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
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