how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
