In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
