you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
