he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
