For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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