dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
