this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
