He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
