my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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