apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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