and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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