Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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