So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
