my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
