I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We're too hungover to prance.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
