you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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