If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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