How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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