yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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