the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
