i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
