The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
