Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
