Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
