Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
