Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
