Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
