I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
