This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
