I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
