Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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