she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
