chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
