If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
