My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
