Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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