if you like me you must not know who I am
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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