I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
