If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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